Ghosts, Rapists and Turtles, or: Belated Sequels and Reboots

Cosby biographer Mark Whitaker says he was wrong to exclude rape allegations

Mark Whitaker shouldn’t apologise for his omission. It didn't matter how definitive the biography was supposed to be - what sort of person goes out to buy a biographical book on Bill Cosby anyway?? Celebrity biographies are for people interested in the glamorous lifestyles of the rich and famous. The choice of celebrity is rarely a mundane one like pre-rape Cosby. For example I am reading a frank account of the peak years of a real legend, and it’s a good autobiography, an exciting read for me it is simply unputdownable. Perhaps not the most rock-n-roll-lifestyle, but the man's influence is such to have inspired generations of tender minds to emulate their hero. It is Trowel and Error, the autobiography of the famous and successful Alan Titchmarsh MBE. Whereas nobody had even heard of Whitaker’s book before all this shit about Cosby had come out. His sorries should be thank-yous.

Remember Cosby in the film Ghost Dad? In it he plays a dad. A ghost dad. It was so ahead of its time. (The elegance of its self-explanatory title foreshadowing that of Snakes on a Plane by sixteen years.) Cosby plays a family man, and brings humour to the film. Aside from the EXCELLENT novel, which I heartily recommend, I always felt that the Ghost Dad franchise could have been expanded, and there was more life to the premise. But it is his career, now, that is the ghost. A belated sequel is certain not to happen at this point after all that’s come out he’s invisible to his co-stars now – which would have cut the effects budget. Not to worry! There is one other film about ghosts to look forward to. Now, he’s not normally known as a method actor, but if Patrick Swayze’s preparation for the Ghost sequel is anything to go by it’ll be amazing.

How do you explain to kids about Bill Cosby? I remember when I was a kid and I heard the word “rape” on telly and I asked mum and dad what it meant. They, bless them, tried their best to answer. So my concept of sex and violent crime when I was a kid was based on what I saw on TV, be it Byker Grove, Casualty, or Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles. Okay the Turtle violence was more on the slapstick side, but in terms of the sex, there is not one single guy of my age who did not fancy April O’Neil. Call me an old fogey, but I’ve yet to see the live-action reboot - and I don’t think I ever will. I wouldn’t want to spoil the romance. Oh April.  I want our moonlit evenings in the sewers to remain perfect. Although Megan, who plays April O'Neil in the reboot, is hot. You know, that famous American actress Megan whatshername, ooh she’s such a, such a … ?

Dating Hell

I always thought “dating” was something American teenagers did in the 1950s. But ‘50s American teenagers don’t have the internet of course. They don’t have dating apps on an iPhone – nor do they even have an updated version of iOS installed. So even though they may have the late night drive-in theater, their fingers are not as dexterous and exercised from swiping and touch typing. So. It’s a mixed blessing. These days a girl on a crap date is less likely to be groped in the dark, but if she is, he will have fine motor skillz. That’s thanks to modern technology. Actually I was on a crap one a while ago. She revealed her belief in weird esoteric theories; ancient alien technology, you know the kind of thing. She genuinely thought archaeological artefacts from different eras - Mayan pyramids, dinosaur fossils, Roman coins - had all come from the same time. That’s the last time I meet someone from Uniformdating.com.

So it’s a mixed blessing all this technology. Today we rather light-heartedly label behaviour as “stalking”, even though it’s something most of us, let’s face it, are probably guilty of. Who hasn't discreetly from afar looked at people with widefield Olympus binoculars? But we’ve got to accept that social networking is just bad for privacy, our own as well as other people’s. However I can really suck when it comes to talking face-to-face; the ease with which I speak to girls is inversely proportional to how attractive they are. If I think they’re unattractive they know I think exactly that. If they’re attractive they’re insulted I’m even speaking to them. If I'm thinking they’re kind of somewhere in the middle, or thereabouts, then they think I’ve been staring at them too long.

My parents really bug me. The next time my dad asks me why I haven’t got a girlfriend I’d like to give him a smartarse answer, going really in-depth into all the factors, such as social media, unemployment, depression and apathy. But I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. Of a conversation with his son. Now friends, unlike family, actually appreciate and respect you as a person. Their insults are not genuine but playful. Unlike family.  I never thought I’d ever say this, but I’ve actually been growing apart from my friends. There’s been a real distancing in terms of, well, actual distance, as well as in the focus of our interests. It’s a pity when you just don’t care about things in the same way as your hippy friends. They’re real hardcore, trying to get everyone to sign petitions against culling and stuff. Whereas I love killing badgers.  But nowadays some of my best friends are flatworms. Yes flatworms are parasitic “parasites”. But I like how they reproduce by splitting lengthways in two. Unlike your human friends, who all seem to pair up into inseparable couples. And who consider you a bad host.

What I Have to Say About Oscar Pistorius

Cleared of Reeva Steenkamp's murder, charged with manslaughter

The world of Twitter has been making predictable quips drawing attention to his physical disability. But he is the one with the supermodel girlfriend! Well, was, anyway. And even MY body isn’t perfect; if there’s one thing I'm unhappy about, it's my fingers. They're so small and girly. And a bigger thumb would be more satisfying to suck. Though since I’m light-years from a live-in model girlfriend, or a career, I often wonder whether or not I'm wasting my life. But then I remember, 'hey, I was born'. Out of all the sperms in the race, I was the one that made it. That was given the gift of Life. That took it for granted and never became an Olympian athlete.

Just as regrettably, it is the case that South Africa is rife with crime and guns and shootings. A reflection of this, gangsta rap is extremely popular over there. And in May this year Snoop Dogg, or Lion, or whatever version of Mac O/S he wants to call himself now, made an open call to rappers to end gun violence. Guns DO kill people. And if anyone knows about killing it's Snoop Dogg. He did help kill hip-hop in the mid 90s. But Pistorius went around discharging handguns in restaurants. That’s just immature and irresponsible, that is. Even still, I don’t feel all that mature or responsible. We’re both the same age. Except I’m older. And I don’t even feel I will have kids before I reach 40. Hope, I’ve all but lost ( ... she was the kid I was meant to babysit).

Anyway, about the trial, the case against him was strong. Using telephone messages as evidence, prosecutor Nel painted him as a hothead bully to the late Reeva. Details from both sides had yet to paint a fuller picture at this point, so the circumstantial nature of a few flippant exchanges would not be regarded as such. Especially when, of Pistorius' alleged bullying, relentless and boorish Nel fought so loudly and so dominantly, so aggressively, a little bit like a bully. I think that bullying, in all forms, sucks. I hate it more than I hate myself. But you can’t expect a man and a woman who sleep together, or who live together, not to have heated arguments and disagreements. He, Nel, picked some particularly upsetting-sounding statements from Pistorius to Reeva. But she did stay with him, even whenever he really put his foot in it ... or perhaps that was the reason she stayed. I tried it once but it tickled too much.

Viewers around the world may have benefited from the courtroom cameras - but they could have only compounded his depression, PTSD, anxiety, and his risk of suicide. At points Pistorius was visibly upset; not only crying but vomiting too. So he had an independent psychologist to conduct a mental evaluation, as well as three psychiatrists. I have a good friend who works in a psychiatric hospital, she's devoted to her work and humble too. "Oh, no, really I'm no angel. That's only another of your delusions Mr Man. Please lower your arms and stop running about". So whatever the mental state of Pistorius, if not affecting his case either way, I think it probably slowed down the proceedings.

But I think I can understand it when people doubted the genuineness of his tears. With such a terribly weak defence against a strong and aggressively-styled prosecution, a public display of crying may have just been his only hope. Just a wild shot in the dark.

Scottish Independence Referendum

 Scots Independence Poll Puts ‘Yes’ Campaign Ahead at 51%

That’s like, what, a whole percent away from 50/50. Want to play Roulette but don’t have a wheel? Just have a Scot tell you if you’ve won or lost. Rather than going to the voting booths they could settle the referendum with one coin toss. If they’re not sick of the sight of the Queen’s face. But really it was all down to JK Rowling, she donated a million pounds to the ‘No’ campaign. So they’re all voting ‘Yes’ to spite her. (That’s what I’d do.) She is just a children’s story-writer and not 'truly' Scottish. It might as well have been Mrs Doubtfire.  Rowling’s only claim to Scottishness is by marriage. She’d have more credibility draped in salmon and wearing a Tam o’ Shanter cap.

A ‘Yes’ vote may spell woe for pensions, security and the economy! So Cameron and Miliband have united suddenly, just over a week before the vote, to propose more powers to Scotland. Looks like they’re really going for broke. A Broke Britain that is, so useless and ineffectively timed the gesture. Salmond thinks that “they are not serious” anyway, that it’s just a measure “to bribe us”. But Scotland may become an independent republican system within the EU. Leaving one Union while staying in another. So perhaps the whole ‘No’ campaign has been one big bribe to get those very powers. Either that or it's mere hypocrisy (but let’s not go there).

Appealing to the emotions of the public is a way of gaining power yet I am surprised Scots have been so affected by Salmond’s Braveheart rhetoric. We must leave sentimentalism out of this debate. Whether that is a nationalistic pride in all under the Saltire - or whether a romantic attachment to what it means to be a United Kingdom.

The Way I Troll or: Whores, C-words and Cunts

'Vile' reaction to Vanessa Feltz's Rolf Harris claims

Example tweet:

Vanessa Feltz, though? You've really let your fans down this time, Rolf.
— Belcher (@belcherdiscuss) July 7, 2014

The quips on the internet mocking her Feltz has described as upsetting, vile and misogynistic. But regarding the sexual assault by Rolf, in her own words, “it wasn’t that serious”. Okay, in spite of remembering the grope after all these years she had forgotten whose side she was on. It's a shame she never joined his defence team! 

It was only once revelations about Mr. Harris had emerged, "the police came to me. I didn't go to them". I can understand her not going to the police at the time of the assault. She would have been laughed right out of there, after all, it’s not like there were either any witnesses or CCTV footage of the crime. (Actually there was.) But her argument was she didn't want to break up a marriage, which is fine. If a husband feels the need to grope other women – and children, such as friends of his daughter’s – then perhaps it is already not the most solid of marriages. With hindsight the marriage was worth saving because Mrs. Harris stood by her husband loyally throughout the trial. Defending his character.

Lance Armstrong's lost duffel bag sparks trolling frenzy on Twitter

The original tweet:

Lost a green duffel bag around the intersection of 69&9 in Forest city today. Email lancemanager@gmail.com if found. Thanks
— Lance Armstrong (@lancearmstrong) July 22, 2014

This could have been a good year for Lance if he’d kept his mouth shut. Not only about the duffel bag, but if he’d just never admitted to doping in the first place. By now he’d be so doped up he could have done this year’s Tour de France backwards with Vanessa Feltz on a tandem bike. He could have even competed in the Brazil World Cup … and maybe the Sochi Winter Olympics too!

He’d be a great figure skater wouldn't he? He’s so aerodynamic and trim. Like a one-man Torvil & Dean. Well they share the same average number of testicles anyway. And the amount of drugs in him by now the cheat might have entered the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow and won gold medals. Providing he kept his mouth shut and his credibility intact. If he doesn't throw it away with an appearance on a daytime talk show (by admitting to cheating on air, not just by being a guest on Oprah!) Although this time if he cries on nationwide telly it won’t be because of his guilt over doping - but because of the victory ceremony. When it dawns on him he has to stay in Glasgow a bit longer. Because, for all its strengths, Glasgow is littered with used needles and grey and depressing … it just reminds him too much of his lost duffel bag.

But it is the summer now and the weather nice and sunny. So Glasgow would probably not be as depressing as sunny Brazil is right now. And in the Brazil World Cup this year the US actually got to the semi-finals. Of course the US have never won the World Cup, because they don’t really do football. Not without their hands anyway. They don’t really give much of a shit about competing with us in it, Americans see soccer as a child’s game! For schoolkids. Imagine that! To us it’d be like as if, say, they were massively into rounders!?? But with Lance Armstrong on their squad they’d surely have won. He’s such a determined sportsman, he doesn't mind about little things like fair play or rules. He’d covet that World Cup trophy that much. But only because it looks like an open hand giving someone back their lost ball.