What is a smoker? Seriously, I literally do not know. My GP blew her top when I told her that I "wasn't really" a smoker.
"You are either a smoker or you are a non-smoker - it's not difficult - so which is it?", she asked angrily.
"I am a smoker".
"And how much do you smoke?
"About, maybe ... um, maybe one or two packs a year".
Her anger turned to disgust, as I was just wasting her time.
Would she genuinely rather I smoked more? Just so her patient wouldn't sit in limbo with, on one side; 'highly likely to develop lung cancer and then die - the fool', and on the other; 'an obedient toxin-free individual whose strict health-conscious nature is pure wisdom manifest'. Dichotomies generally refuse to allow one enjoy the best of both.
Her disgust turned to a humiliating lecture. She had real people
that needed real help. I was silly not to know that one pack a year is
an insignificant amount, and if it wasn't silliness it was just vanity
and boastfulness. Most likely they're all are in the mix and thus I'm
an ignorant, defiant and vain timewaster who has no regard for other
patients or the efforts and pains of a stretched medical staff.
Her quick dismissal of my patient-to-doctor honesty led me to wonder whether her insolence was a speciality of the surgery I'd newly registered with, or whether this incident was just a one-off hiccup (if a rather mild one) in an otherwise near-perfect NHS. I hoped it wasn't the former.
What if I had lied and said I didn't smoke at all? A few years ago I used to be a 10-a-day man. Yes, that's ten cigarettes a day (not packs). And in my mind I had quit. Hence my assertion that, as I only smoke rarely, I'm not a smoker really. Who was she to disagree so indignantly with me on this? And THEN to do a U-turn, and insult me for being as truthful and accurate as possible? (I have a sneaking suspicion that she realised she was wrong and was only hiding behind the authority of her "doctor-to-patient honesty".)
This is perhaps the nearest anyone could get to being encouraged by a medical professional to smoke, so for that, I am a proudly lapsed smoker.
