Ghosts, Rapists and Turtles, or: Belated Sequels and Reboots

Cosby biographer Mark Whitaker says he was wrong to exclude rape allegations

Mark Whitaker shouldn’t apologise for his omission. It didn't matter how definitive the biography was supposed to be - what sort of person goes out to buy a biographical book on Bill Cosby anyway?? Celebrity biographies are for people interested in the glamorous lifestyles of the rich and famous. The choice of celebrity is rarely a mundane one like pre-rape Cosby. For example I am reading a frank account of the peak years of a real legend, and it’s a good autobiography, an exciting read for me it is simply unputdownable. Perhaps not the most rock-n-roll-lifestyle, but the man's influence is such to have inspired generations of tender minds to emulate their hero. It is Trowel and Error, the autobiography of the famous and successful Alan Titchmarsh MBE. Whereas nobody had even heard of Whitaker’s book before all this shit about Cosby had come out. His sorries should be thank-yous.

Remember Cosby in the film Ghost Dad? In it he plays a dad. A ghost dad. It was so ahead of its time. (The elegance of its self-explanatory title foreshadowing that of Snakes on a Plane by sixteen years.) Cosby plays a family man, and brings humour to the film. Aside from the EXCELLENT novel, which I heartily recommend, I always felt that the Ghost Dad franchise could have been expanded, and there was more life to the premise. But it is his career, now, that is the ghost. A belated sequel is certain not to happen at this point after all that’s come out he’s invisible to his co-stars now – which would have cut the effects budget. Not to worry! There is one other film about ghosts to look forward to. Now, he’s not normally known as a method actor, but if Patrick Swayze’s preparation for the Ghost sequel is anything to go by it’ll be amazing.

How do you explain to kids about Bill Cosby? I remember when I was a kid and I heard the word “rape” on telly and I asked mum and dad what it meant. They, bless them, tried their best to answer. So my concept of sex and violent crime when I was a kid was based on what I saw on TV, be it Byker Grove, Casualty, or Teenage Mutant HERO Turtles. Okay the Turtle violence was more on the slapstick side, but in terms of the sex, there is not one single guy of my age who did not fancy April O’Neil. Call me an old fogey, but I’ve yet to see the live-action reboot - and I don’t think I ever will. I wouldn’t want to spoil the romance. Oh April.  I want our moonlit evenings in the sewers to remain perfect. Although Megan, who plays April O'Neil in the reboot, is hot. You know, that famous American actress Megan whatshername, ooh she’s such a, such a … ?

Dating Hell

I always thought “dating” was something American teenagers did in the 1950s. But ‘50s American teenagers don’t have the internet of course. They don’t have dating apps on an iPhone – nor do they even have an updated version of iOS installed. So even though they may have the late night drive-in theater, their fingers are not as dexterous and exercised from swiping and touch typing. So. It’s a mixed blessing. These days a girl on a crap date is less likely to be groped in the dark, but if she is, he will have fine motor skillz. That’s thanks to modern technology. Actually I was on a crap one a while ago. She revealed her belief in weird esoteric theories; ancient alien technology, you know the kind of thing. She genuinely thought archaeological artefacts from different eras - Mayan pyramids, dinosaur fossils, Roman coins - had all come from the same time. That’s the last time I meet someone from Uniformdating.com.

So it’s a mixed blessing all this technology. Today we rather light-heartedly label behaviour as “stalking”, even though it’s something most of us, let’s face it, are probably guilty of. Who hasn't discreetly from afar looked at people with widefield Olympus binoculars? But we’ve got to accept that social networking is just bad for privacy, our own as well as other people’s. However I can really suck when it comes to talking face-to-face; the ease with which I speak to girls is inversely proportional to how attractive they are. If I think they’re unattractive they know I think exactly that. If they’re attractive they’re insulted I’m even speaking to them. If I'm thinking they’re kind of somewhere in the middle, or thereabouts, then they think I’ve been staring at them too long.

My parents really bug me. The next time my dad asks me why I haven’t got a girlfriend I’d like to give him a smartarse answer, going really in-depth into all the factors, such as social media, unemployment, depression and apathy. But I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. Of a conversation with his son. Now friends, unlike family, actually appreciate and respect you as a person. Their insults are not genuine but playful. Unlike family.  I never thought I’d ever say this, but I’ve actually been growing apart from my friends. There’s been a real distancing in terms of, well, actual distance, as well as in the focus of our interests. It’s a pity when you just don’t care about things in the same way as your hippy friends. They’re real hardcore, trying to get everyone to sign petitions against culling and stuff. Whereas I love killing badgers.  But nowadays some of my best friends are flatworms. Yes flatworms are parasitic “parasites”. But I like how they reproduce by splitting lengthways in two. Unlike your human friends, who all seem to pair up into inseparable couples. And who consider you a bad host.