Dating Hell

I always thought “dating” was something American teenagers did in the 1950s. But ‘50s American teenagers don’t have the internet of course. They don’t have dating apps on an iPhone – nor do they even have an updated version of iOS installed. So even though they may have the late night drive-in theater, their fingers are not as dexterous and exercised from swiping and touch typing. So. It’s a mixed blessing. These days a girl on a crap date is less likely to be groped in the dark, but if she is, he will have fine motor skillz. That’s thanks to modern technology. Actually I was on a crap one a while ago. She revealed her belief in weird esoteric theories; ancient alien technology, you know the kind of thing. She genuinely thought archaeological artefacts from different eras - Mayan pyramids, dinosaur fossils, Roman coins - had all come from the same time. That’s the last time I meet someone from Uniformdating.com.

So it’s a mixed blessing all this technology. Today we rather light-heartedly label behaviour as “stalking”, even though it’s something most of us, let’s face it, are probably guilty of. Who hasn't discreetly from afar looked at people with widefield Olympus binoculars? But we’ve got to accept that social networking is just bad for privacy, our own as well as other people’s. However I can really suck when it comes to talking face-to-face; the ease with which I speak to girls is inversely proportional to how attractive they are. If I think they’re unattractive they know I think exactly that. If they’re attractive they’re insulted I’m even speaking to them. If I'm thinking they’re kind of somewhere in the middle, or thereabouts, then they think I’ve been staring at them too long.

My parents really bug me. The next time my dad asks me why I haven’t got a girlfriend I’d like to give him a smartarse answer, going really in-depth into all the factors, such as social media, unemployment, depression and apathy. But I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. Of a conversation with his son. Now friends, unlike family, actually appreciate and respect you as a person. Their insults are not genuine but playful. Unlike family.  I never thought I’d ever say this, but I’ve actually been growing apart from my friends. There’s been a real distancing in terms of, well, actual distance, as well as in the focus of our interests. It’s a pity when you just don’t care about things in the same way as your hippy friends. They’re real hardcore, trying to get everyone to sign petitions against culling and stuff. Whereas I love killing badgers.  But nowadays some of my best friends are flatworms. Yes flatworms are parasitic “parasites”. But I like how they reproduce by splitting lengthways in two. Unlike your human friends, who all seem to pair up into inseparable couples. And who consider you a bad host.