"Full" English

    "Toast", he kind of said.  'Kind of' because, while undoubtedly being the word that the rotund and clearly impatient proprietor of the upmarket greasy spoon had articulated, the manner in which he did so was more ambiguous.  "Toast?" it sounded more like.  But also somewhere near "toast!".  Definitely not "toast?!", but maybe possibly "toast!?".  Yes, that was it.
    Allow me to paint the picture.  Out of all the set breakfasts on offer the Pick 'n' Mix appealed the most.  Choose five items (i.e. sausage, all the eggs, beans, etc.), plus a tea/coffee and a round of toast.  And it was after I let him know my choice of breakfast items - and drink - that he asked(?) the terse question.
    It baffled me.  Assuming it was a question on the subject of toast (sticking my neck out here), then what exactly was he asking?  Perhaps what I wanted to have spread on it?  Whether I had wanted white or brown bread?  If I had even wanted the toast at all?  Or maybe if I'd wanted to have it left un-toasted?
    I looked back at the chalkboard menu.  I already knew what it said, but seeds of doubt were sewn by the staring eyes of the convincing cockney.  His domineering size and silence stupefied me into hopelessly trying to find new meaning in the same words I had read moments earlier.
    "Wha?  I don't ... ", I mumbled.
    "Look - toast is included in the meal, it's up to you if you want it or not".
    My brows furrowed in confusion.  I was thinking, "Well of course I fucking want it.  I am bloody paying for it aren't I?"
    Help me with this.  Why on Earth would someone deny the customer something he has paid for?  Not just sneakily, but even TO HIS FACE.  The scenario might as well have been:
    '"Would Sir like me to cut off 14% of the trouser legs?"
    "Is the full trouser not included in the price?"
    "Why of course it is"
    "No it's alright"
    "Then perhaps Sir would like for me to just blatantly short-change him?"
    "No thanks"
    "This is most unusual.  Most customers - "
    "Just don't give me any change at all.  I will needlessly include an extra fiver in the transaction"
    "A wise choice, Sir"'.

"Too White", Says Premier Inn's Lenny Has-been

Recently UKIP candidate William Henwood said that Lenny Henry should piss off to a black country. Personally I’m not so sure. Of course he should piss off - but it needn't matter whether the country is a black one. Now I feel it only fair to warn you that I am paraphrasing from UKIP candidate William Henwood defends Lenny Henry tweet - which was the reaction to Our TV shows are far too white, says Lenny Henry.

All industries have their up and down periods, and acting is hardly the stablest of careers. Generally if you’re an actor you never act full-time. As an art it is not subject to the more black-and-white regulations (pun unintended; in fact I’m horrified that you might suppose that I would think of such a dreadful one, and especially in such a serious matter as this … I know I do like silly wordplay but I at least respect decent taste, as I know you do too, so let’s just drop it, OKAY?) of proper industries. Now we call it the entertainment “industry”. But it is not an industry as such. Art should be about passion, not quotas. If Lenny Henry wants black programmes for black actors then why doesn’t he make them? He is essentially demanding writers include more token-black-guy roles. (I think even Downton Abbey has got one now.) Now who’s being the racist?

I am not convinced that he is a good spokesperson for the plight of young black actors but perhaps I’m being too harsh. I hadn’t realised he was such a thespian - although that was before I saw Bernard and the Genie. But he is at least able to act like he has enough of a showbiz lifestyle to warrant staying at Premier Inn. Regardless, he is humanitarian and in good intent. If there’s one person in the world who will make us laugh at starving African kids it’s Lenny Henry.

Gary Wilmot is a black gentleman who also found fame through New Faces; the difference is that Wilmot is still always in work. He can act, sing, dance, and unlike Lenny he can do comedy. And he certainly doesn’t have a problem doing panto. Apparently Lenny doesn't really like doing panto ... so I must ask him, 'Where is your career?' IT’S BEHIND YOU! (It's an old one I know, but it's the best - okay, only - panto joke I know.) But anyway, what husband wouldn’t be overshadowed by Dawn French? It just never got to be his turn to be on top again.

As for UKIP, it is scary that they have gained so many members who are actually ambivalent about EU non-membership, UKIP's supposed core ideology. (The clue is in the name.) If only there was some way to curtail the influx of outsiders coming and corrupting their way of life. The party does make a strong enough case for leaving the EU yet it is full of members distracting from this political debate by being racists. With his "Bongo-bongo Land" comments, Godfrey Bloom is just an utter embarrassment to Britain. But then again so is Lenny Henry. Most scarily of all is all of UKIP’s scaremongering on the immigration issue - did you see their reported figures for non-white migrants? It had a steeper rise than Dawn French's fringe. (Warning: that reference may no longer be relevant; if not, that is one thing me and Lenny Henry have in common – our jokes are ancient.)

Just Say No

    What is a smoker?  Seriously, I literally do not know.  My GP blew her top when I told her that I "wasn't really" a smoker. 
    "You are either a smoker or you are a non-smoker - it's not difficult - so which is it?", she asked angrily.
    "I am a smoker".
    "And how much do you smoke?
    "About, maybe ... um, maybe one or two packs a year".
    Her anger turned to disgust, as I was just wasting her time.
    Would she genuinely rather I smoked more?  Just so her patient wouldn't sit in limbo with, on one side; 'highly likely to develop lung cancer and then die - the fool', and on the other; 'an obedient toxin-free individual whose strict health-conscious nature is pure wisdom manifest'.  Dichotomies generally refuse to allow one enjoy the best of both. 
    Her disgust turned to a humiliating lecture.  She had real people that needed real help.  I was silly not to know that one pack a year is an insignificant amount, and if it wasn't silliness it was just vanity and boastfulness.  Most likely they're all are in the mix and thus I'm an ignorant, defiant and vain timewaster who has no regard for other patients or the efforts and pains of a stretched medical staff.
    Her quick dismissal of my patient-to-doctor honesty led me to wonder whether her insolence was a speciality of the surgery I'd newly registered with, or whether this incident was just a one-off hiccup (if a rather mild one) in an otherwise near-perfect NHS.  I hoped it wasn't the former.
    What if I had lied and said I didn't smoke at all?  A few years ago I used to be a 10-a-day man.  Yes, that's ten cigarettes a day (not packs).  And in my mind I had quit.  Hence my assertion that, as I only smoke rarely, I'm not a smoker really.  Who was she to disagree so indignantly with me on this?  And THEN to do a U-turn, and insult me for being as truthful and accurate as possible?  (I have a sneaking suspicion that she realised she was wrong and was only hiding behind the authority of her "doctor-to-patient honesty".)
    This is perhaps the nearest anyone could get to being encouraged by a medical professional to smoke, so for that, I am a proudly lapsed smoker.