Scottish Independence Referendum

 Scots Independence Poll Puts ‘Yes’ Campaign Ahead at 51%

That’s like, what, a whole percent away from 50/50. Want to play Roulette but don’t have a wheel? Just have a Scot tell you if you’ve won or lost. Rather than going to the voting booths they could settle the referendum with one coin toss. If they’re not sick of the sight of the Queen’s face. But really it was all down to JK Rowling, she donated a million pounds to the ‘No’ campaign. So they’re all voting ‘Yes’ to spite her. (That’s what I’d do.) She is just a children’s story-writer and not 'truly' Scottish. It might as well have been Mrs Doubtfire.  Rowling’s only claim to Scottishness is by marriage. She’d have more credibility draped in salmon and wearing a Tam o’ Shanter cap.

A ‘Yes’ vote may spell woe for pensions, security and the economy! So Cameron and Miliband have united suddenly, just over a week before the vote, to propose more powers to Scotland. Looks like they’re really going for broke. A Broke Britain that is, so useless and ineffectively timed the gesture. Salmond thinks that “they are not serious” anyway, that it’s just a measure “to bribe us”. But Scotland may become an independent republican system within the EU. Leaving one Union while staying in another. So perhaps the whole ‘No’ campaign has been one big bribe to get those very powers. Either that or it's mere hypocrisy (but let’s not go there).

Appealing to the emotions of the public is a way of gaining power yet I am surprised Scots have been so affected by Salmond’s Braveheart rhetoric. We must leave sentimentalism out of this debate. Whether that is a nationalistic pride in all under the Saltire - or whether a romantic attachment to what it means to be a United Kingdom.

The Way I Troll or: Whores, C-words and Cunts

'Vile' reaction to Vanessa Feltz's Rolf Harris claims

Example tweet:

Vanessa Feltz, though? You've really let your fans down this time, Rolf.
— Belcher (@belcherdiscuss) July 7, 2014

The quips on the internet mocking her Feltz has described as upsetting, vile and misogynistic. But regarding the sexual assault by Rolf, in her own words, “it wasn’t that serious”. Okay, in spite of remembering the grope after all these years she had forgotten whose side she was on. It's a shame she never joined his defence team! 

It was only once revelations about Mr. Harris had emerged, "the police came to me. I didn't go to them". I can understand her not going to the police at the time of the assault. She would have been laughed right out of there, after all, it’s not like there were either any witnesses or CCTV footage of the crime. (Actually there was.) But her argument was she didn't want to break up a marriage, which is fine. If a husband feels the need to grope other women – and children, such as friends of his daughter’s – then perhaps it is already not the most solid of marriages. With hindsight the marriage was worth saving because Mrs. Harris stood by her husband loyally throughout the trial. Defending his character.

Lance Armstrong's lost duffel bag sparks trolling frenzy on Twitter

The original tweet:

Lost a green duffel bag around the intersection of 69&9 in Forest city today. Email lancemanager@gmail.com if found. Thanks
— Lance Armstrong (@lancearmstrong) July 22, 2014

This could have been a good year for Lance if he’d kept his mouth shut. Not only about the duffel bag, but if he’d just never admitted to doping in the first place. By now he’d be so doped up he could have done this year’s Tour de France backwards with Vanessa Feltz on a tandem bike. He could have even competed in the Brazil World Cup … and maybe the Sochi Winter Olympics too!

He’d be a great figure skater wouldn't he? He’s so aerodynamic and trim. Like a one-man Torvil & Dean. Well they share the same average number of testicles anyway. And the amount of drugs in him by now the cheat might have entered the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow and won gold medals. Providing he kept his mouth shut and his credibility intact. If he doesn't throw it away with an appearance on a daytime talk show (by admitting to cheating on air, not just by being a guest on Oprah!) Although this time if he cries on nationwide telly it won’t be because of his guilt over doping - but because of the victory ceremony. When it dawns on him he has to stay in Glasgow a bit longer. Because, for all its strengths, Glasgow is littered with used needles and grey and depressing … it just reminds him too much of his lost duffel bag.

But it is the summer now and the weather nice and sunny. So Glasgow would probably not be as depressing as sunny Brazil is right now. And in the Brazil World Cup this year the US actually got to the semi-finals. Of course the US have never won the World Cup, because they don’t really do football. Not without their hands anyway. They don’t really give much of a shit about competing with us in it, Americans see soccer as a child’s game! For schoolkids. Imagine that! To us it’d be like as if, say, they were massively into rounders!?? But with Lance Armstrong on their squad they’d surely have won. He’s such a determined sportsman, he doesn't mind about little things like fair play or rules. He’d covet that World Cup trophy that much. But only because it looks like an open hand giving someone back their lost ball.

"Full" English

    "Toast", he kind of said.  'Kind of' because, while undoubtedly being the word that the rotund and clearly impatient proprietor of the upmarket greasy spoon had articulated, the manner in which he did so was more ambiguous.  "Toast?" it sounded more like.  But also somewhere near "toast!".  Definitely not "toast?!", but maybe possibly "toast!?".  Yes, that was it.
    Allow me to paint the picture.  Out of all the set breakfasts on offer the Pick 'n' Mix appealed the most.  Choose five items (i.e. sausage, all the eggs, beans, etc.), plus a tea/coffee and a round of toast.  And it was after I let him know my choice of breakfast items - and drink - that he asked(?) the terse question.
    It baffled me.  Assuming it was a question on the subject of toast (sticking my neck out here), then what exactly was he asking?  Perhaps what I wanted to have spread on it?  Whether I had wanted white or brown bread?  If I had even wanted the toast at all?  Or maybe if I'd wanted to have it left un-toasted?
    I looked back at the chalkboard menu.  I already knew what it said, but seeds of doubt were sewn by the staring eyes of the convincing cockney.  His domineering size and silence stupefied me into hopelessly trying to find new meaning in the same words I had read moments earlier.
    "Wha?  I don't ... ", I mumbled.
    "Look - toast is included in the meal, it's up to you if you want it or not".
    My brows furrowed in confusion.  I was thinking, "Well of course I fucking want it.  I am bloody paying for it aren't I?"
    Help me with this.  Why on Earth would someone deny the customer something he has paid for?  Not just sneakily, but even TO HIS FACE.  The scenario might as well have been:
    '"Would Sir like me to cut off 14% of the trouser legs?"
    "Is the full trouser not included in the price?"
    "Why of course it is"
    "No it's alright"
    "Then perhaps Sir would like for me to just blatantly short-change him?"
    "No thanks"
    "This is most unusual.  Most customers - "
    "Just don't give me any change at all.  I will needlessly include an extra fiver in the transaction"
    "A wise choice, Sir"'.

"Too White", Says Premier Inn's Lenny Has-been

Recently UKIP candidate William Henwood said that Lenny Henry should piss off to a black country. Personally I’m not so sure. Of course he should piss off - but it needn't matter whether the country is a black one. Now I feel it only fair to warn you that I am paraphrasing from UKIP candidate William Henwood defends Lenny Henry tweet - which was the reaction to Our TV shows are far too white, says Lenny Henry.

All industries have their up and down periods, and acting is hardly the stablest of careers. Generally if you’re an actor you never act full-time. As an art it is not subject to the more black-and-white regulations (pun unintended; in fact I’m horrified that you might suppose that I would think of such a dreadful one, and especially in such a serious matter as this … I know I do like silly wordplay but I at least respect decent taste, as I know you do too, so let’s just drop it, OKAY?) of proper industries. Now we call it the entertainment “industry”. But it is not an industry as such. Art should be about passion, not quotas. If Lenny Henry wants black programmes for black actors then why doesn’t he make them? He is essentially demanding writers include more token-black-guy roles. (I think even Downton Abbey has got one now.) Now who’s being the racist?

I am not convinced that he is a good spokesperson for the plight of young black actors but perhaps I’m being too harsh. I hadn’t realised he was such a thespian - although that was before I saw Bernard and the Genie. But he is at least able to act like he has enough of a showbiz lifestyle to warrant staying at Premier Inn. Regardless, he is humanitarian and in good intent. If there’s one person in the world who will make us laugh at starving African kids it’s Lenny Henry.

Gary Wilmot is a black gentleman who also found fame through New Faces; the difference is that Wilmot is still always in work. He can act, sing, dance, and unlike Lenny he can do comedy. And he certainly doesn’t have a problem doing panto. Apparently Lenny doesn't really like doing panto ... so I must ask him, 'Where is your career?' IT’S BEHIND YOU! (It's an old one I know, but it's the best - okay, only - panto joke I know.) But anyway, what husband wouldn’t be overshadowed by Dawn French? It just never got to be his turn to be on top again.

As for UKIP, it is scary that they have gained so many members who are actually ambivalent about EU non-membership, UKIP's supposed core ideology. (The clue is in the name.) If only there was some way to curtail the influx of outsiders coming and corrupting their way of life. The party does make a strong enough case for leaving the EU yet it is full of members distracting from this political debate by being racists. With his "Bongo-bongo Land" comments, Godfrey Bloom is just an utter embarrassment to Britain. But then again so is Lenny Henry. Most scarily of all is all of UKIP’s scaremongering on the immigration issue - did you see their reported figures for non-white migrants? It had a steeper rise than Dawn French's fringe. (Warning: that reference may no longer be relevant; if not, that is one thing me and Lenny Henry have in common – our jokes are ancient.)