Vaping and Pillaging, or: Events and trends of 2015

Like most years, things happened in 2015. But I shall NOT be making light of the deaths of over a hundred French concertgoers and hundreds more injured and traumatised, OKAY!? Other than that there were some memorable things in the year, and, ignoring my wonderfully short attention span, particularly recently in fact. One thing that slipped past me in 2015 was a gyrating Richard Branson in his Ferris Bueller's Day Off frolics. Not a private dance, sadly. This was a genuine stunt in the streets of Chicago, reenacting that iconic scene with Bavarian girls on floats and everything. For a day, Branson became Bueller.

And Trump became Sarah Palin! Branson wins here I think. Not to mention his net worth is $5.2 billion compared to Trump's measly $4 billion. That's 3-0, dude: coolness; enterprise; and face-not-looking-like-a-scrunched-up-Sainsbury's-shopping-bag-under-a-cloud-of-vaporized-bigot-tears. But saying this, making fun of Trump and Republican candidates is like shooting fish in a barrel. Try shooting eagles in the sky. Or a rock concert.

If I could go back and tell the child who'd just watched Back to the Future 2 for the first time about 2015, I'd probably moan about paying for shopping bags. We do have Hoverboards. But they don't hover. On the plus side, "smoking" looks less cool to children, despite now smelling like the insides of a candy store. So this made the papers: Hoverboard Rider Hunted for Lucozade Theft. Isn't it a pity that as soon as we have a new invention we use the technology to commit crime? Griff Tannen's gang was probably the most accurate prediction in that movie.

I See Auras (a short story)

    I see auras. I'm reasonably well educated, and I consider myself a pretty level-headed gal, so you can understand why I’d keep something like this to myself. Few people believe me. Even fewer are sympathetic. There is no rational explanation that I can give to the phenomenon - it’s just that on rare occasions I can see radiant light, faintly coloured, about a person’s head and shoulders. It can be pretty as a rainbow, and just as elusive.
    At a party one night I noticed a young man - around my age - and I reflexively beamed with joy. Because the most vivid and intense fiery gold was emanating from him like a halo. As he neared where I sat he, understandably, couldn’t help but notice my grinning wide-eyed stare. What do I say to him?
    After a few exchanges he just thought I was being friendly, flirtatious even. So I asked if he wanted to put his head in my lap while I stroked his hair. His turn to beam with joy. My fingers began rubbing his neck and crown and I couldn’t tell you how long it was before I slipped, “I can see your aura”.
    His silence was a deadening blow to my esteem.
    “You can see my aura?” he finally said with a ‘you fucking serious?’ look on his face. To call it  eternity would be superlative but it was indeed a very, VERY long time of his confused, silent stare before he had managed to say this.
    “It’s just … kinda … yellow looking”, I offered.
    His eyes were focused so intently on mine I was relieved when he finally closed them again. ‘Just carry on stroking my head you crazy woman’ I could feel him thinking. I carried out the rest of my promise but my heart was no longer in it. He clearly didn't believe me, clearly wasn't interested, and we both acted like what I'd just said had never happened.
    What was he getting out of this? What was I getting out of it? Had he never felt a woman’s touch before? Pervert. I’m not just some tart who goes about touching up random guys. He seemed pretty happy with it but the silence was getting awkward. I just wanted to politely tell him I’d had enough. But eventually unconscious cues in our touch led him to get up.
    His halo soon faded to nothing.